Exactly a year ago this week, I took a swan dive into the unknown, leaving my job, familiar structure and security for a divinely guided life. God had already presented the possibilities of this new life; they were reinforced while on pilgrimage last summer. I just had to accept it.
Just say yes.
This spiritual life was sitting in the corner waiting for me to figure out what to do with it. I would sometimes forget about it or ignore it in an effort to keep life as structured and familiar as possible.
At this same time, I was re-reading Caroline Myss‘ Anatomy of the Spirit, and it’s no coincidence I found the chapter on the Fifth Chakra and Surrendering Personal Will to Divine Will:
“The fifth chakra embodies the challenges of surrendering our own willpower and spirits to the will of God. From a spiritual perspective, our highest goal is the full release of our personal will into the ‘hands of the Divine.”
Can you hear me now?
But, but, but…I had a million reasons why I couldn’t leave life as I knew it, even though I wasn’t happy there and it wasn’t where I was meant to be. It was familiar. I knew what to expect. Couldn’t I have it both ways?
Nope. As Myss writes, “we end up living in a seemingly endless cycle of mentally wanting change but emotionally fearing change at every turn.”
“The only way to break through this pattern is to make choices that engage the united power of the mind and heart.”
Ok. Well, maybe I could continue in the life I knew until I felt more stable and sure of what I was supposed to do in this divinely-inspired life.
“It is easy to keep oneself in a holding pattern, claiming that one does not know what to do next. But that is rarely true. When we are in a holding pattern, it is because we know exactly what we should do next, but we are terrified to act on it.”
Well, there goes that rationale!
“Breaking through the repetition of cycles in our lives only requires one strong choice that is aimed at tomorrow and not yesterday. Decisions that say, ‘No more…’ or, ‘I cannot stay here one more day…’ contain the quality of power that unites the energy of both the mind and the heart, and our lives begin to change almost instantly as a result of the authority present within that intense degree of choice.”
And so, I resigned.
“Admittedly it is frightening to leave the familiar contents of one’s life…”
In the weeks leading up to my last day, my mind and body reacted to my decision with throat chakra aches and pains as well as vivid dreams about moving cars and electrocution. It’s as if they were screaming, “What have you done?!!” in that all-too-familiar voice of panic and fear.
“But change is frightening, and waiting for that feeling of safety to come along before one makes a move only results in more internal torment because the only way to acquire that feeling of security is to enter the whirlwind of change and come out the other end, feeling alive again.”
Amen to that. Life did feel different on the other end, and still does a year later. It felt more purposeful and meaningful right away. I’d put up a huge, blinking, cosmic billboard exclaiming “YES!!” to divine will. Wow! Cool! Good for me! I did it.
But beware of the myth, Myss warns: “…the myth that once we say yes to God, everything will be perfect immediately. Saying yes to our condition is the first part – an act that may or may not change our condition – and saying yes to God’s timing is the second.”
Ah, God’s timing. Not Renée’s timing. That’s all part of the divine deal … and the never-ending learning process.
Myss, Caroline. Anatomy of the Spirit: The Seven Stages of Power and Healing. New York: Three Rivers Press, 1996. Print.